FEAR to Fear

FEAR to Fear!

There is a calm in the air, but it is more than calmness,
A stillness reigns as if danger approaches,
A wait with a sense of dread and fear!
Have you noticed that the economy seems stale and each day trends with more caution and concern?  Everything we read seems to be fear-driven, including stock markets, commodities, merchandise sales, and the State of the Union.  We are afraid of identity theft, hacking, immigration, inflation, rising Fed rates, and the list goes on and on! The news is permeated with record floods and other storms in a wide range of places, and accelerating violence that seems to be spreading to many segments of society!  We are in a cadence of fear. Remember those movies where the lead character notices an abnormal stillness just before the enemy attacks? Europe went through many invasions from the Goths to the Huns to the Ottoman hoards and each time a dread permeated the air as fear moved the masses.   We seem to be in the calmness before the storm.  Even the earth seems to recognize this!   For we are seeing earthquakes, droughts, forest fires, deadly viruses, and active volcanoes in diverse places and closer to home!

We all know that fear has permeated the elections from top to bottom! How many Trump and Hillary signs have you seen in front lawns; most likely very few!  And the media love to use fear to stoke our attention on the environment, race issues, Zika, guns, and any threat to their pet causes!  And of course ISIS, terrorism, civil violence, drug epidemics, and deadly crime permeates both national and international news on a daily basis!  We seem to be a world at the brink of war. One author compares our present predicament to the Spanish Civil War which he says was a rehearsal for WWII involving the Germans and many weapons soon to be used against Poland.  Every major military or economic power is involved in the Middle East or in dealings with the rogue regime in North Korea! There are now more refugees worldwide and many more who have been martyred for just believing in Jesus Christ!  Fear is worldwide!  And the traditional war of nations has morphed into a global war of sects, cultures, & religions affecting everyone!

I like to think of myself as an authority on FEAR since I was consumed with fear even as a young child.  My personal pathology began when I was a 5 year old foreigner learning English, when one day my big brothers confided in me that what I saw on the talking box called “TV”, was real. That night I was sitting on my Dad’s lap, when the “Werewolf” movie came on and panned in on a stranger walking across a bridge at midnight. The face, blood, and teeth that soon covered the screen blew me into a world of nightmares and fear of the dark. For years I was consumed by this fear as it grew and spread into other areas of my daily life. I was unbearably shy and afraid to speak up in class. By God’s grace I had loving parents who were there for me. They saw that I led a gang of kids in my neighborhood and so did not suspect anything.  I had natural skills in dexterity, throwing, and fighting and so no one including my brothers suspected how vulnerable I was. My Dad, however taught me to swim by throwing me into the deep end of a pool, encouraging me to swim for my life!  And my older brother did his best to trap me into an unwinnable boxing match with a much bigger kid from outside our neighborhood!  At times I felt that I was fighting for survival!

It was only after a persistent FEAR of public speaking in class that my parents intervened to get me socially involved. They got me into sports. Swimming and cross country running gave me the fuel to keep going and not give up!  Ironically this managed fear served to keep me out of trouble and anything that smelled of evil.  I was the good kid who obeyed his parents!

Now if you believe in the principalities of evil and the powers of darkness there was something more that was notably unusual about my life. As hinted earlier, I did not grow up in America; instead I was raised in some of the most spiritually cursed nations of the world!  My dad worked for the State Department and so every two years we moved from one nation to the next!  I was born in the slave port of Fortaleza, Brazil where the Brazilian form of Voodoo was birthed.  I spoke only Portuguese when we then moved to Caracas, Venezuela (considered one of the hottest places in the world and also the home of the world’s most intense lightening strikes). We moved to Laredo, Texas, where I learned English and the art of throwing rocks very accurately; then to Persia (Iran) where I had to defend my life against an Islamic gang of kids by rapidly and accurately throwing rocks back at them after they cornered me! We then moved to Pasay City, Philippines (the areas poorest and most drug invested city and where thousands were killed when a massive cyclone hit us only a year later).   I went to High School in Argentina which historically is one of the most cursed nations; as it was the only country in all the Americas to have totally wiped out its’ indigenous Indian groups! Of course Argentina was also the only South American country to side with Hitler, and many years later go to war against Britain!  Insolvent twice, it now suffers from government corruption, weekly mass demonstrations, and very poor leadership.  It is also interesting to note that the general condition of most of these nations has only grown worse with time!

College did not help my fear. I was lost in my insecurity and fear which ironically kept me out of trouble and made me a good student.  As a vulnerable young adult with parents 40,000 miles away, I had to learn the American culture in the midst of the Vietnam war!  Finally in my senior year the walls came down and with trepidation, I experimented with both drugs and alcohol.  Luckily, I soon took the entrance exam for Dental School, and scored one of the highest scores in Texas- having exhibited great dexterity on the chalk test and a natural propensity for visualizing spacial relations!  With a growing confidence, I grew comfortable in my compartmentalized fear. However, when I married I had to deal with the fear of relationship failure and abandonment. Both of which were self-fulfilling!     But things were soon to change for the better and in a very radical way!

Although Fear had become my friend, it was the fear of losing control that drove me to desperation!  As my marriage was unraveling and my wife was working the late evening shift, I turned to deep episodes of using Nitrous Oxide and began the process of losing both my identity and my direction.  Realizing that I had nothing to lose, I sought the opposing side of the supernatural; I turned to the God of my childhood and Jesus Christ who seemed to be the answer.  I prostrated myself on the floor of my office and surrendered everything including those fears and my dreams, desires, thoughts, and all that I possessed and wanted.

Amazingly God answered! And He gave me purpose and an irreversible identity founded on the Gospel and His Promises. God answered my prayers with simple replies that showed me a new way of thinking based not on fear, but on grace, peace, and faith. Initially I was confused since I had depended so much on fear, evolution, competition, and all those common thoughts of lust, greed, power, and popularity.  Now I had to depend on the Bible and what I could not see! Jesus said, “The Truth will set you free!”   Truth exposed my fear and all the evil associated with it as lies!   Light defeated darkness

So how was I going to process all these changes? In His Mercy God allowed me to continue in the Nitrous so that He could “speak” to me through visions and dreams. I had a vision that a door with fire and a looming shadow of Satan opened up behind me!   It was so real that I fled in fear to my car, but as I ran a voice in my mind warned me that my car would not start.  To make matters even worse all the lights in the underground parking lot were out!  So I sprinted up the ramp to the “Stop n Go” across the street and called a ministry that I had been listening to on the radio. They told me to put on the “full armor of God”, and to return to my car and restart it.  Instead I asked them to pray for help!  We prayed and just a few minutes later a car with a group speaking only Spanish asked for the location of a nearby hospital.   In Spanish I told them, and then asked if they would help jump my car, and they agreed! –  Prayer Answered!

I had other visions, each leading me closer to God and the Love I needed so much.   Since I had no one to guide me and since I did not trust anyone, God brought a Christ-centered dental assistant into my office.  She and her husband led me through the Word and into the mission field where I served for many years. I also took 21 hours at the Dallas Theological Seminary Lay Institute and many other intensive Bible courses! God healed my mind, showing me the fallacy of evolution, and continued to sanctify my heart and soul! He gave me a zeal to seek Him and know Him through his Word, his creation, and his Church. I sought Christian fellowship, prayer, and Bible study wherever I could on a daily basis!

Jesus Christ promises us that Love will drive out FEAR!  He declares, “Be courageous!  I have overcome the world!”  He does not, however, banish fear and presents in his life the picture of a son obeying a Father who demands obedience!   No longer a weapon of the dark side, fear has drawn me to God in obedience. I love Him, but I also have a healthy fear of the Almighty God who commanded that Israel “fear and dread” Him when they turned away from him. I know how easy it is to fall away in the flesh and disobey his commands, and so I allow enough healthy fear to keep me focused and walking in His Light.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge Him in all that you do and He will make your path straight!  Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear God and turn away from evil, and this will bring healing to your body and strength to your bones!”  Prov. 3: 5-9  I know God’s love in a very, very deep way, but no one has been able to convince me that love alone will keep someone or myself from sinning.  Even the Apostle Paul struggled with the flesh!

P.S.  Ironically I and a group of fellow ballroom dancers were just recently in the “eye of the storm” when hurricane Newton made a direct hit on Cabo San Lucas. I had prayed for cool weather since September in Cabo is usually very hot. Well it was cool and we lost electricity for over 24 hours! So I had plenty of time to write for this blog!! Another bit of irony is the fact that this cyclone was named Newton which is the name of the author of my favorite song, “Amazing Grace” . This storm in essence was “amazing grace” to many dry areas in the Baja Caifornia and to those suffering in the desert heat and drought of Arizona and New Mexico. We were also graced with some of the most incredible sunsets and a sea turtle that sought refugee nearby to lay her eggs! God has his hands in the renewal of life and the redeeming of souls through the “storms of life”!  Thank you for your patience in reading my personal account, as I know many of you have had your own ups and downs in life along with many unique phobias and fears! Just know that: “God loves you so much that He sent His Son to this earth, to die for you, so that you will not perish, but will have eternal life.”  Jn. 3:16